Acting Out Trauma, Corrective Emotional Experiences, and Community

On first glance, trauma, community, and corrective emotional experiences may not seem like they have much to do with each other, but in order to heal trauma you need corrective experiences, and in order to that, you need community that cares enough to learn to hold that space. So let's dig into it.

Not every potentially traumatic event will lead to persistent traumatic responses. Plenty of people go through what could easily traumatize another but they manage to process in a way that leaves them relatively unscathed compared to how bad it can get. Luck, situation, happenstance, skill, effort, whatever may be at play. This is because when the brain is processing these events, in the moments of terror, so much electrical potential congregates in the brain that it forms a sort of little storm. There are many ways to create channels out of this space from cannabis to reenactment therapies to simple social reinforcement.

Out of all the ways to do this, the in-the-aftermath corrective emotional experience is my favorite. The basic premise is that getting new better experiences in the brain helps it make sense and find calm more easily. It requires taking a chance. It makes it so there is no mess to clean up in addition to the traumatic memories themselves. Think of these scenarios: a) a person is assaulted and someone runs to their aid, helping them get home safe, then they drop by the next day with flowers or snacks to come and check in to see how the injured person is doing or b) a person is assaulted and someone walks by and makes a nasty comment about how they probably deserved it.

In one situation, the person gets help from a stranger so the idea that strangers are dangerous doesn't have a chance to claw its way into their brain. In the other, they get hurt and a stranger makes it worse by being judgemental and violent so the injured person develops a deep distrust that impacts their behavioral patterns and causes them to isolate. In both situations, there was a community member, but the quality of the community member will alter the course of their life in the aftermath of trauma.

If you have never had a traumatic experience it can be hard to understand just how meaningful of an impact this type of thing can make but it is everything. A community that cares enough to educate itself and show up is worth its weight in gold (which one would otherwise have to spend on therapy). I work to be ready to meet these moments in others because people generally did not do it for me, and that sucked. I do not ever want to leave someone knowing I could have shown up better within reason. That has led me to learn a lot about how to understand and support in those moments so I can fill needs as best I can because there are far too few people awake and attending to these needs.

Going back to what I have mentioned before, this discussion around hurt people hurting people is misguided. The research that people commonly cite as saying hurt people don’t hurt people actually said that it isn’t all that common for people to do the things that were done to them to others. It does happen, it is just not the norm. Further, if people who are hurt don’t get help to heal, they will hurt others as they move about the world, regardless if they mean to or not. In a healthy functioning society, we wouldn’t have to have this conversation, but that is not where we live, is it?

The logical conclusion for me then, is to approach people who are hurt with the same type of energy I would approach a kid who had cut their hand and needs help getting a bandaid so they don’t bleed all over others. As I worked through my degree, I became even more distinctly aware that most of what we talk about as “behaviors” is actually just the result of trauma. In fact, there are major pushes from people with diagnoses from borderline personality disorder to eating disorders to anti-social personality disorder that are putting their feet down en masse to say that they are victims of trauma and the resources that are supposed to help them are actually indeed making it worse. And on many levels, the way the psych field treats these groups of people is not a surprise.

It gets hard to be there for people when they are acting out because they can’t control themselves because their body has become, or pretty much always dysregulated by prolonged and persistent trauma responses messing with the body’s chemicals. This is where our responsibility as community comes into play. We can learn to be capable of being there for those in need. It isn’t all that complicated if you understand how it works and catch it quickly. It gets much more complicated the longer it goes on as issues and abuses pile up.

Why we do it?

In the brain, there are pathways that handle the chemicals we use to function. In a moment of trauma, there is a rise in these chemicals that enable us to survive or at least feel less pain. Ideally in the aftermath of a potentially traumatic event, one gets to find peace and safety so the brain can remain calm and reset itself back to a healthy baseline.

It is worth remembering though, that the old saying “practice makes perfect'‘ is wrong. Practice makes permanent. If you go through enough trials looking for a replacement experience, and it blows up in your face every time because you don’t really grasp what is going on, then you are laying that brain wiring down thick. You are reinforcing your body to prepare to respond to the worst-case scenario. This is why it gets harder with each passing experience to heal. We have to take this into account with those who end up the worst off.

Healing is local, and a journey

The most important thing in trauma recovery is meeting people where they are. It doesn't matter if you or your grandma or your best friend tried yoga and it helped them release the stress from their trauma. Maybe they were just ready. Maybe they had more support or a more comfortable position in life. Everyone will have different things that work for them and that brings them relief. If what you have in your knowledge library doesn't fit, you can always just offer your ear or your compassionate understanding. In the aftermath of trauma, people can get weird. The brain does wild things. People still need support and understanding.

People make progress much faster if their environment is ready to support them. Feeling safe is the best way to get the brain to toss you opportunities to try again. Not everyone will have a healing path that looks like yours. They started in a different place. Other things will resonate more loudly or clearly fo them than did for you. That is great. Their brain is seeking what they need to heal. That deserves praise and support. Even if it looks destructive from the outside. If they had the support they needed, maybe it doesn’t have to get so bad.

What community should look like and do

Do not tell people what to do. That is unhelpful and selfish. If the only thing you have to offer is unsolicited advice no matter how well-meaning, then stop and reflect on why. If that is all you can come up with, it is likely that you are being judgemental or engaging in projection or transference. It is okay to talk about shared experiences and what helped you, but only if you are doing so appropriately. They may find hearing about your experience as a burden or you may be overestimating the importance of what you have to share.

If you do have relevant experience and it is appropriate to talk through what helped you or that you have seen work, don't lead with that. If you find yourself suggesting people do something without inquiring what they have been through and tried already, you fucked up. Many of the things to try are obvious. Many get repeated ad nauseam. Many are out of reach to too many people. Don't be condescending.

Why it is worth trying to build community instead of sticking to yourself

The trauma is outside the realm of the conscious mind a lot of the time so it is hard to see. Others can see it though. Others can touch on wounds in a healing way without even meaning to. That is why it is best to move about the world in a way that is possibly healing to those around you rather than probably hurtful. It does not mean sacrificing everything every time you see someone hurt. What it does mean is that we should take the time to flex these muscles to build them. You will get stronger in time and then you will get good at helping in these capacities in ways that cost less.

Sometimes, people will be trying to help and make a mistake and overstep. It happens. But if everyone shows up presently with pure objectives centered around personal autonomy, then great change can be made. We can make up for the lack of support our cultures have trained us to expect. We all deserve and need support so those who get hurt, do not have to become those who hurt