Attachment
Even if you’re not familiar with the concept of attachment, you would recognize it in your life if shown. It’s one of those things that we all see even if we don’t understand the underlying reason. There are simple enough patterns that are the basis for many behaviors and attempts to cope that we see all around us. Examples of common attachment issues people usually have a passing (even if stereotypical) familiarity with are:
Mommy/Daddy issues
Love bombing
Extreme clinginess
Fear of strangers
Avoidance issues
Jealousy issues
Inability to handle criticism
In need of constant reassurance
Being cold to avoid the fear of rejection
Seemingly outsized emotional responses to surprising things
Research has shown that when the patient is able to form a positive attachment to their therapist, beyond rapport building, the therapy is more successful. This is a concept that is really uncomfortable to lots of people on either side of the equation, but it just makes sense. It is unreasonable to expect someone to heal their interpersonal traumas without a safe place to try that out. There is too much anxiety and fear involved to expect people to just jump in with homework all the time. That’s too many variables to be responsible.
To understand this concept, we can break it down into its simplest, generalizable forms. Then we will look at how those constructs can be complicated by life.
Attachment is used to describe your relational patterns to the world around you. They are impacted by your culture, your upbringing, your socioeconomic status, history of trauma, and more. It is mostly formed in your early life and based on your primary caregivers. Essentially, you have your part to play in the world based on who you are and in order to learn and grow to the fullest of your capacity, you need to understand attachment and work with it so it does not control you. When attachment is secure, it is beautiful, however, it is more rare than we like to admit. Little differences between what is given and expected sometimes make it seem as if there is a great chasm between what we need and what is possible. The reality is that you need to learn where to ask to get your needs met.
This process asks us to grow and consider getting our needs met in ways we hadn’t previously considered. This is important at this time when so many people go unsupported by a society that has increasingly called on people to rely solely on themselves because everyone is too tired and overwhelmed to hold space on the drop of a dime.
However, having just one person around who ticks enough boxes is enough to prevent people from failing to learn to correct the difficult patterns. This is because once your brain has a good example to work with, the reality isn’t as scary as it used to be. You can move about the world with more confidence, which changes everything.
The simplest form of the four attachment styles are as follows:
Secure - Their primary caregivers did “good enough”, needs were met, and they feel confident moving about the world knowing they are adequate and can get their needs met. They generally think kindly of themselves and trust others.
Anxious - Their primary caregiver was inconsistent and it led them to have high relational anxiety and a preoccupation with securing affection. They generally think highly of others and poorly of themselves due to not receiving the consistency they need.
Avoidant - Their caregivers were generally heavy-handed which led to them being high in avoidance, hyper-independent, and developing a poor concept of other people. Because they have to be so self-reliant, they can appear narcissistic since they do have to be highly competent to survive.
Disorganized - Their caregivers failed to provide adequate consistency and support leading to a distrust in themselves and others. They are high in anxiety and avoidance. They also want intimacy but are afraid to approach it.
Of course, these are generalizable patterns and life is rarely so tidy and compartmentalized, but if you examine yourself from these human patterns, then you can begin to understand how and where you fit in the world. As you straighten everything out, you can see it all and how it moves you. It becomes easier to invest your energy in people who want to, and importantly, can invest back into you in a healthy way that enhances your life. It can be really painful to realize we aren’t what we thought we were to someone, or that they aren’t willing to do the things for us that we would for them, but as soon as we do, we can go where we are valued wholly.
As previously mentioned, not all reasons for poor attachment can be blamed on your parents. Trauma, big life changes, and the like can cause regressions in capacity that impact attachment. This is because they can shake your security in the world to the point that you can no longer believe you are safe. It is normal and a sign that you are responding to something bad happening. There is a path back to security when you are ready, do not worry.
It is important to recognize where attachment patterns stem from so you can properly address them. Many people mistakenly believe the behaviors that present with attachment disorder are that of abusers, narcissists, or manipulators. While there is an ounce of wisdom to this as many of the expressions do come from unwittingly reenacting (and sometimes developed pathology), you simply cannot paint with that broad a brush. You will cut out people who have done nothing wrong and you will have fed into the worst impulses, letting the abuser’s efforts win. Many times, little behaviors that make you raise an eyebrow are the result of attempts to cope the best way one knows how not the result of a full-blown dangerous situation that requires prompt action to remain safe. Grace and discernment need to be balanced against your safety.
In this process, there will come a time to make a choice. You choose to work on this or play out the patterns. The thing is, once you consciously know, it is a choice to keep up the dysfunction and maladaptive behaviors. Every time you choose to run with the idea that is in your head based on what you know was subpar programming you are reinforcing what was done to you and letting dark energy win when you can just choose to find a different way. You have to commit or it will not come.
Oftentimes, awareness is enough to get people started toward better boundaries. The trouble is usually when one doesn’t have enough perspective on a damaging environment they’ve been in their whole life, or are just learning how to survive on their own after leaving a dysfunctional home. Attempting to traverse those situations is difficult and many people don’t ever learn how to relate in healthier ways. It is worth it to do this work so you can thrive. Even if a better understanding of what security looks like to other people, you will walk away with a newfound understanding that helps you articulate your needs better, and give love better.
You can and should heal in two broad ways. By attaching to someone else and yourself. They both have merits and are appropriate for different things.
Attaching to yourself is critical for everyone, but especially if you don’t have a strong support network. You need to be able to know that you can show up for yourself and get the help you need. People are very unlikely to be able to help you if you cannot tell them what you need or why. It is your responsibility to make sure you develop the skills and the systems to be able to do this in crisis as best you can if you want to stay safe. The reality of the world is unfortunate so you want to be able to depend on yourself. You should have a good relationship with yourself.
You choose to attach to yourself so you can be secure in the knowledge that you can rely on yourself. It is an intimate process of skill building that one must complete in order to truly be able to trust themselves. If you don’t do it, you don’t cultivate the relationship with yourself that you deserve.
It means securing yourself to the point that others being less than you expected doesn’t reflect poorly on yourself. You know that it is an issue about them, not yourself. It is not yours to internalize or to solve. When you know yourself you can tell when you are projecting or engaged in transference and are willing to admit it, so you can stop and grow.
When you attach to others in a healthy or at least cautionary and present way for growth, you can experience big gains in the right environment. This is a process that we go through subconsciously anyways. The mind seeks opportunities for corrective emotional experiences. If you are unaware of this process, at some point it has probably made you anywhere from annoying to downright dangerous to those around you. Going about this without awareness is not a great plan. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to consciously work on this if you struggle so your attempts at loving and being loved are not overwhelming.
If there is anything going through this process has taught me, it is that you cannot know others if you do not know yourself. It all starts with getting your interoception in check and having yourself in alignment so you can’t be so easily swayed. If you are confident in your ability to discern, you do not have to rely on the little voices and thoughts of inadequacies and fear that usually make you run, hide, appease, or fight, you can simply hear what you need to. Then you can take your time to focus on getting to know people before you give them too much trust or power. At the end of the day, if someone isn’t willing to give you something, that’s fine, you can find it elsewhere or create it within yourself. You want to be where you are wanted. You want to be where people can give you the love you need. You want to be able to provide security in a way people can receive.
Sometimes doing what’s healthy for your attachment development is going to hurt like hell. Sometimes you will feel immense shame or guilt. But the beautiful thing is, sometimes you realize you can bear the pain where you thought you couldn’t and now you’re in a better place. Sometimes you realize you are no longer surrounded by what taught you to feel shame and guilt. And if you are, sometimes you get the perspective you need to just chuckle and walk away because it is not worth fighting for things when the other is determined to be dysfunctional.
It is a path you must travel to know.
At some point, you’ll decide your peace is worth it, and you will never look back.
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