Grooming
Grooming is “the practice of preparing or training someone for a particular purpose or activity.” It is not inherently dark or malicious, but it can be. Grooming happens and like most things, it isn’t always bad. It is important to acknowledge it as a complete concept so the emotional charge people try to attribute to these concepts do not sway you into a frenzy or out of your intentional mind. Grooming can be understood as a process, and dangerous grooming can be thought of as the installation of an attachment disorder.
In order to understand the systemic ways people are vulnerable to grooming, which is a form of manipulation, we will look at the methods used, who it is most successful on, and how societal preparation leaves children vulnerable to grooming that leads to harm. From there, the activities will help you think through what you can apply to your life to make sure you are safe and are keeping the children around you safe.
screenshot of grooming definition mentioned
Methods of Grooming
As one can guess, the methods of grooming someone for something they want and something they might not want are similar, but also very different. Let us take two situations to compare. Two adults are being groomed for a role, they both have similar attachment disorders and are vulnerable in situations where intimacy and affection can be scary so they commit very hard. This can be due to their parents patterns of having clear and demanding expectations yet provide little support to meet them or unpredictable praise when they are met.
Situation 1
Janice is up for a promotion, however she lacks a slight bit of education so she is to spend the next year shadowing her boss so she can learn it on the go. During this time they build a close working bond but her supervisor is always mindful and maintains good working boundaries.
Situation 2
Sarah is a teen adult who works with an older man. One day after listening to her vent about a difficult home situation, he starts showing an interest in her stories by listening, but little else. He then drops little gifts like a sandwich or a cigarette in between negging and directive behaviors like putting down her decision-making skills and telling her to smoke after triggering her. As she grows closer to his trauma bond he looks for a moment of dissociation to cross a boundary so she doesn’t have the resources to push back.
In S1 the person grooming has consent of the person being groomed and is able to maintain healthy boundaries because they have no ill intentions. That means if a boundary is broken and it is brought up, they will make it right rather than try to muddy the waters more and take further advantage.
Who is Most Vulnerable? And How Society Keeps Them That Way
barbed fence
You may have been surprised that some of those tactics listed above work if you are lucky enough to have secure attachment. That is because, generally secure attachment means things like this won’t work on you. People without that secure attachment are not so lucky. Generally, when parents are authoritarian, it leads to children who are:
Susceptible to information that is flatly illogical when stated with authority
Likely to lean on authority because the relational pattern is unfamiliar
They feel justified in carrying on bad cycles because they had to endure it, so should everyone else
Accepting abuses of all kinds because it is normal
Believe they deserve abuse as punishment for misdeeds
Feel a compulsive need to keep secrets otherwise outside forces that have been demonized would intervene to rip apart the family
Afraid to speak against their parents or caretakers if they have social standing or people like/respect them
Grooming as a Culture War Issue
Grooming is a hot-button issue right now so I want to talk about who actually sexually abuses kids. To begin, a set of relevant facts:
5-10% of the male population are Minor Attracted Persons (MAPs) meaning they experience sexual attraction to some age bracket of minors
50% of MAPs do not offend (topic for another day)
MAPs only commit about 50% of sexual violence against children
shattered mirror
You notice there are pieces missing in this equation, right?
Who else is abusing the kids?
Who feels comfortable using DARVO tactics?
Who is screaming from the top of their lungs like they have something to hide?
There is projection at play here from the other half of the abusers. Yes, let’s solve this problem with pedophiles, but do not let sadists distract you and rally you against innocent drag queens because you lack the knowledge to do something helpful.
Behaviors to actually be concerned about:
Teaching children cutesy words for genitalia
If you are too embarrassed to speak to children about their bodies without making it weird, you are not equipped. You should probably fix that now, not after you hurt them
If they use play words to tell you something happened to them, guess what? That is going nowhere with the police. If you teach your kid the wrong words you ensure they never see safety or peace
Not asking for consent before touching your child
If you have to explain to someone what consent is, and why they should respect your child’s boundaries, they do not need to be anywhere near your child.
Making crying kids sit with Santa, kissing kids on lips, grabbing butts in sports settings, etc
There are a lot of behaviors that abusers have perpetuated as normal in culture that just aren’t healthy.
Forcing children to sit on the lap of a stranger who they can feel the energy of even through their protest is unacceptable to me. Seeing parents laugh and celebrate for years on end the cries for help that were given in a moment of need cannot sit as anything other than a cruel hazing ritual designed to break the spirit in my mind.
Research shows that kids who are kissed on the lips have a harder time discerning and reporting abuse, in my mind, that isn’t worth the risk.
Grabbing butts in sports is another really prevalent thing in the culture where I was from where consent was never asked and the receivers of the boundary violation were always creeped out by it. No one liked it, yet the adults just kept doing it because it happened to them and so they say it is normal.
These are people who do not respect what is best for a child’s development and instead prize their own wants and desires over the child’s autonomy. This makes them categorically unsafe because if they do this in front of you, what do they do behind closed doors?
Gaslighting kids
If someone cannot respect that a child is having their own sensory experience, that is a red flag
Malicious groomers will generally follow a pattern if they intend to stay in your life long-term. They will take their time, being so patient that you let your guard down because you probably believe that sex offenders lack all restraint and can’t control themselves. That is a stereotype that leaves your child vulnerable. Once a predator has gained access to your family they will follow a general pattern that enables them deeper access:
a birthday balloon
Establishing a place of belonging - they will try to make you feel like they belong in your life, you are better off with them, you want them around because they make you feel better/valuable/special/etc. They may even throw money around or create an artificial crisis to look like a hero to build trust.
Taking an interest - Once it has been established that there is room to explore, the abuser will start to see which child in the environment naturally gravitates to them as this makes it easier to form a bond.
Testing the waters - in retrospect, most people have a moment where they go “oh my god when he did xyz I should have known, how stupid could I be???” and yeah, there were signs, but we are taught to ignore them all day every day, especially as women. This step will be little jokes, or odd beliefs before they move on to the more intense stuff. Instead of nervously nodding along, push back. If they can’t respect your simple boundaries, show them the door.
Acting - Once they feel secure they do what they want. It will come with intimidation, blurring of boundaries, and secrecy. It will likely carry on until the perpetrator gets bored, the child ages out of their attraction, or until the child pieces together enough sex education to realize it was completely wrong.
Final thoughts
The reason I advocate for always using the right words and answering kids’ questions frankly but appropriately is this. They cannot tell you something is wrong if they do not know. If you tell your kid to always tell the truth and to not keep secrets, but then you ask Timmy not to tell daddy what you bought him for Christmas, you just taught him that sometimes we do keep secrets for special things. “Special things”, “our special little thing”, that is exactly the words that will be used against your child by a groomer. These things are complicated and require we think through things to a degree that is uncomfortable. But if you do, you understand the need to just cover the important things with your children to keep them safe.
The best part is, I have seen numerous parents come back now, devastated, but empowered, because their child did get abused but because there was language, and better guard rails for the child to use, they knew it was wrong and said something immediately. It is devastating that something happened at all, but as a parent, if it is going to happen, do you want a child that can speak, or one that has no clue and will continue to be victimized for who knows how long?
I completely understand that as a parent, there are infinite ways you can mess up your child. This is an important thing to stop and sit with though. The off color reaction you have in a difficult moment can triangulate with a weird thing they saw on tv and that can lead to something nobody with good intentions wants. It takes tact and care to make sure your child’s world and psyche are designed and arranged to protect them. And yes, it is that important and purposeful of a practice. In this society, you have to work to build it. You have to educate yourself to find safety for your family.
Honestly, this stuff needs to collectively end. Now. We can all make a choice to install a set of congruent beliefs and actions to work towards and encourage others to do the same. If you care about the kids, that is…
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