Intentions and Ethics of Care
an uneven uphill stone road with dead fauna, with a red sky
Sometimes we look at a situation or system and act on the only path we know because it is what we know. It is an objectively unreflected way to move about the world as if you know what others need to do to get where they want to go. That isn’t how most of us are taught to think about ourselves and our actions though. Truly respecting other people takes effort. You have to make choices that do not center yourself all the time, which means you have to consider it all the time. And as we all know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, so lets dig in and see what we can do to outline a new way of approaching this topic that you can adapt to you and the unique situations in your life.
What are intentions?
Intentions are just a persons aim or plan. As much as it sucks, just because we come up with a plan to help, doesn’t mean it is the best plan or what the person needs most. And that is fine.
As I hand a homeless person a joint and a $5 bill, I don’t think I have fed them and provided the comfort with my generosity. I hope I gave them relief. That is it, and it is important. I don’t care if the relief is food, a resource for a trade, hell I don’t care if they buy a beer with the cash to drink with the joint. What I care about is temporary relief.
As simple goal where you aren’t tied up in the outcome is best. It isn’t about you anyways. You will feel good later because you will, that is how helping works.
You have to have a structure to how you plan. Obviously the stakes aren’t always the same, a birthday present for a wealthy person doesn’t need as much tact as say planning an intervention, but some blanket considerations can serve as a starting place for a way to make sure are actually helping and not causing harm.
green steel library cart with the words “think before you speak. read before you think.” spray painted on the side.
Is this any of my business?
Do they want this?
Will it benefit them?
Could I come up with a plan that could better meet this persons needs? What if I asked for input?
Is surprising them more important than doing the right thing that actually helps?
Am I doing this to make myself feel good or because it actually would be good for them?
As you get used to asking these questions you will inevitably notice patterns in your behaviors. Are you jumping in when you’re triggered? Stop and breathe, reconsider. Are you doing this because they remind you of someone? That’s transference, back off, it is dangerous. Are you trying to save them? Stop, why? If you find yourself swooping in without thought, that is a sign you should stop and think a little more.
tiles randomly arranged with words like abuse, confusion, trauma, ptsd, broken dreams, etc on them, non-linear.
There is a famous piece of research people cite to say that hurt people do not hurt people. Here’s the harsh truth - that isn’t what the research found. I encourage you to go look it up and just read the abstract and think. The abstract will tell you that it is not always the case that people hurt others in the same way they were hurt, but that children who grew up abused, usually go on to struggle in some way that causes them to hurt others with the outcomes of their unresolved struggles.
Cycles are not tidy, and research can present whatever people want it to given enough washing. It isn’t easy to fix and it is hard to confront so some people would rather pretend it is not real. In reality though, it presents as the mom who was beaten by an alcoholic parent so they go on to freeze in terror in crisis and not defend their child, or the dad who had a viciously overbearing mom who did everything for him so he goes on to dump everything on his wife because he can’t cope when he faces even the slightest inconvenience. Hurt people hurting people, just not linearly, so it is easy to ignore if you don’t want to do the work or confront the harsh truth.
Attachment matters, history matters, culture matters, context matters. Everything that touches us creates part of us, so when we move about the world we need to reject one size fits all systems and meet people where they are, which brings us to the how.
What is Ethics of Care?
a bridge that is held up by a giant concrete hand
Ethics of Care is a philosophical system that says the ways we choose to interact should be decided on those situations and not based off of set norms in society. Simply, it is meeting people where they are. An easy example of it can be seen in the following scenarios:
a child walks up and punches another child, unprompted
a child takes months of relentless bullying, making multiple attempts to set boundaries and ask for help from adults, to be ignored; they eventually punch the bully
In both of these situations, there is obviously a cause that needs to be addressed, but one is clearly in need of more intervention as far as the child is concerned. If these were my children, for 1) I may ask need to have a big discussion about what led here, followed by some sort of appropriate intervention to make sure it doesn’t happen again. For 2) though, I may take my kid for some ice cream, buy them a punching bag, and tell them I am sorry for failing to protect them and promise to do better. One child showed great restraint, advocated for themselves, and exhausted their resources. The other did not. That matters.
gavel
When I was a teenager, I read a story about a judge who managed to maintain stellar low recidivism in his district because he tailored the punishment to the crime. In most cases, I wouldn’t even call it punishment because it was just making it right. Graffiti? Clean it up. Theft or property destruction? Sit in the shop and work it off. Community service, essays of reflection, things like that.
I remember that my dad is the one who put the magazine in my hand. He told me that in his high school, unlike mine, when a kid messed up, they were made to fix it. To make it right.
I have always found it ironic that my dad put that article in my hand because of where it led me today. He was very much a person where these concepts mattered. He had a list of struggles from his very early and very deep childhood traumas that forever shaped him. Before knowing the story of that judge, I did not know the story of my dad, who at that age I was morally and emotionally surpassing despite his best efforts. Once I did know, he became a way better person as I learned to help him see outside perspectives.
How can Ethics of Care lead us to helping in more meaningful ways?
Making it right isn’t normal in society anymore. You can only teach so many generations of children to say “sorry” as they keep running before shit falls apart. This is not a way to teach children to be, it is not a way to be. The blanket strategy has failed. In fact, when I do something wrong, if I can help it, I don’t want to say sorry. I want my actions to prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt. You won’t catch me apologizing for something more than a minor transgression before asking how to make it right. I don’t want to be arrogant enough to believe I know how to make other people whole when I was reckless enough to harm them in the first place.
folded map and leather guidebook
That leads us to an important part - you will not change people if you do not meet them where they are. In fact, you will probably make them dig their heels in if you do not hear them. Until you can convince them with your actions to walk along your path for a bit, your perception is irrelevant to their experience.
If you make it a practice to witness before you exert, then you can begin to understand what people need to hear instead of what you want to say. You’ll find that before, you were probably being very judgemental and not productive.
Even if you despise everything about someone, you can still act from love to do the thing that leads to the best outcome for everyone. You can act for love for yourself. For the wellbeing of your broader community. For the inner child of the person creating hurt. Orienting yourself to see pathways you wouldn’t before will only serve to make your hurt, anger, and rage that much more potent and available when you need it. And right now, we are in an era where that energy is needed, desperately, so point it at the targets and not at each other.
In a way, people whose needs are unmet in childhood struggle. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. What we do know is that the broader community plays a part in the success of the hardest hit community members. It is widely recognized that people like my dad are hard to raise, it truly takes a village. We have all lost a bit of that and I am not going to play a part in continuing that cycle because I know better than most where it leads.
a pizza oven
While our life paths were drastically different, our demons even more vastly separated, I can always still crack a joke about what we did have in common. We, people who had rough starts, need extra time to finish baking. There are so many things to go back and rewire, to stress test, try again, live, thrive, fall on our faces, pick ourselves back up, then thrive again.
If we expected this of each other, the world would be different. We would seek help with ease when we need it. We would be confident in taking risks. We would be safe and secure in truth telling knowing we didn’t have to hide mistakes for risk of outsized retaliation. This world is only as far away as you make it. We are not waiting for anything or anyone to make you or set a good example. If you see this, it is your job to lead.
Free Resources
Download the free resources below:
journal
worksheet
exercise
If you want to contribute to the creation of more free content, click below to contribute today!
