Dry Rot, Buttercream, & Kickstands

The fungus Serpula lacrymans produces dry rot by consuming cellulose. It leaves wood brittle and crumbling. Decay is natural, but some is expedited by outside forces. Everyone knows you do not want dry rot in your home's foundation. 

drawing of synaptic connection

The same is true for the scaffolding of your psychological structures. Neurons reach to grow, if there is not enough structure to hold the growth then we suffer collapse which if existential enough can cause rapid cycling and misfires of flailing rather than good growth if concerted and appropriate supported community intervention is not at play. 

dry rot in wood

It is worth noting that dry rot is caused by a fungus, and if one has a gut lining colonized with fungus, like the vast majority of Staters do they likely have interoception issues so anything they build is dubious at best. Wild how instructive the fractals in nature can be if one pays attention. Wild how you must heal the whole system in union.

When I was younger, I made this bear cake. As I was finishing it, the head fell forward and landed on the counter. I was devastated. I was just finishing up frosting the nose. It was early in my cake making days. I had simply neglected to account for the weight of the buttercream. When I picked the head up to fix it, all the frosting had stuck to the counter and the strawberry cake was exposed on the forehead like a brain. It was a little funny, but also a little sad because I anthropomorphize things. It helped me see I didn't support my poor bear right with scaffolding. 

bear cake

I learned from my mistakes and tried again. My Dad talked me through it while laughing at the situation. He was always telling me to use more skewers, and he even got them for me this time when I was upset. That was rare, usually he made me do it myself if I couldn't control my emotions. But you have to know your child well enough to know when to stop and he did. With that support I redid it better for having failed and tried again.

Another lesson to be taken from buttercream is from properly making flowers. If you learn the old ways, you will be instructed to thicken a portion of your frosting to use as bases for making stable flowers. Delicate petals require sturdy bases. All of it is buttercream still, the constitution is roughly the same, some parts just have to show up denser than others. Not unlike plural people or people with trauma splits. It is worth sitting with. I made so many crappy flowers before I admitted it need a solid foundation. Which, if you know how I grew up, lol, duh, of course I did that. But that was also the era I started demanding that I be treated with respect.

All of this helps me remember now that you must account for multiple factors, not just your dream. 

bike on a kickstand

Before I was old enough to ride a bike, I remember putting all my weight on a bike that was resting on it's kickstand. Next, I remember being stuck tangled in the gears , my hair tied in knots on them. Trying to move but not aware enough of my body to do anything good. I screamed, my face was wet with tears, I could barely breathe. My Dad got me out and pulled my hair out of my face and instructed me to breathe until I was calm. We had a talk about why I was wrong and he had a laugh about how dumb it was. I laughed too once I knew physics existed.

Isn't it funny how what we thought in our misguided ignorance can get us into such trouble? And how it's not so hard to just admit you failed and try again?

When one walks in the woods off the trail, you use tact. You can fall through dry rot. Your added weight on a log can shift everything it rests on. Your lack of proper bracing can leave you vulnerable. There is wisdom here for those who choose such a path.

The body needs physical reinforcement for the metaphorical journeys it takes or you will never get it out. My Dad would tell me it was safe to jump off the bars, he would catch me. Then he didn't. He viewed it as a half lie necessary for me to gain trust in myself. It was dubious, like so much he did, but this one left scars. I still sometimes climb up on things and ask Mister to get me down when I am feeling unsteady.

We are social creatures who do not heal in isolation. 

When I walk through the woods and bounce lightly on a log before stepping fully on it, I am training my brain to remember to think before I act. When I step lightly so I do not fall through, I am training my brain to think before I act. When I grab on to the tree before I test the ground below them, a place I know animals burrow, I am training my brain to think before I act.

It is extraordinarily hard to grow past initial misguided bursts if you do not escape the conditions that create or reproduce your trauma. Often, trauma survivors get so lost in duty they forget self. And the high performers, over achievers, most heavily groomed ones, they get so lost in whether or not they can that they forget to ask if they should. 

So, should you?

Even if you should, you still need to ask yourself the question. So you know why it matters to you, so you do it right.

Trying is the first step towards failure. And failure allows you to try again, better. Never fear failure.