Teasing, pleasing, and perceiving

Everyone misses a developmental milestone at some point. As long as most everything goes right, it’s fine, it’s just norms. Sometimes it does matter in big ways though. One of the most tragic missed developmental milestones just gets completely glossed over because it is easy to abuse. Everyday kids fail to detach from their attachment figures when the parts of their brain that power independence comes on and it gets messy. Eventually every people pleaser snaps though, maybe you’ll make it to 70 before you realize you could have just done it differently. Or maybe you’ll just read what I have to say and avoid a life of pretending you’re fine.

a bright blue feather boa

Teasing is combing out or provoking someone. It is important play and work, both ways. When we talk about teasing out traumatic energy we are talking about straightening and smoothing the energetic lines so that they may be more easily handled. We are also talking about the art of being a safe person who can provoke in jest and manage the energy down through resolution to safety.

Pleasing as an adjective is satisfying or appealing, but as a verb it means to make happy/satisfy or to only consider one’s own wishes. I do think it is funny that the dictionary lists the selfish one as the second choice when you have to be capable of doing the second in order to do the first for anyone in any real and meaningful way. You have to choose your needs first, fulfilling yourself first, so that you can be a whole person.

a glass sphere being held up to a bridge to show the inverse image

Perceiving is being aware of and the state in which one views something. The more one can perceive is dependent on how much they have trained their senses and widened their world. Can the young girl raised in a religious cult perceive everything we can that tells her she should run or does she only recognize her state. If we want her to leave, we have to help ground her in both. But she has to do the work of choosing to navigate them otherwise she stays in the definitionally less conscious state. And it is her right to choose not to cross that bridge if she doesn’t want to.

a grumpy cat

People pleasers exist in a chosen less conscious state until they choose to grow out of the shadow of their attachment figure. Can I be so real? Because I love you and value your development as an independent person? People pleasers are obnoxious.

I cannot deal with them so they get the boundaries hard and fast. I start razzing them immediately to let them know that they are getting way too into my business. I handle my business and ask for help if I need it, so I experience people pleasers as needy and also wasting my time because truly they are cycling chasing affection they don’t actually want. Through my thoughtful teasing they can see the need to tease and begin start pleasing themselves in hopes of being able to perceive better.

a motorcycle speedometer

The goal always remains the awakening of the person at the speed they can handle. Sometimes a lot of support can mean it happens really fast, and while I find that ideal, I also see the timeless beauty in happening across these experiences in the wild. But I do believe there is a baseline we all have to get to in order to safely play in a system where we can all hold each other accountable to the same standards of creating safety. Pushing someone to grow faster than they are ready for is possible, sure, it just takes a lot of tact and care to ensure the secondary impacts of the events do not spin out to making traumas in the midst of an incredibly vulnerable state. But with people pleasers, you almost have to push them to failure to get them to grow.

People pleasers are so focused on pleasing that they will run themselves into the ground to prove they are good enough. Ideally, they come across a great person who lets them know failure was okay and they can try again or not. If they do, they can just let go of stuff as they develop a safe and lasting relationship there. If not they have to make a choice to train it out of themselves because they value themselves enough to be a whole person. They have to choose to be authentic, which is really hard if you never learned to say no.

“say sorry” written in letter blocks

This is a time when people pleasers are prone to lashing out at the person who they find the safest because they are in a weakened state and the subconscious knows it needs a win. Part of breaking away at that stage is to go back to where the mistake was made and learn to repair. Failure to do that is robbing yourself of the healthy resolution to what once a safe place. It is not fair to either party to neglect this step. In fact, it can stunt you really bad. As you find yourself out making choices independently for the first time, remember we are social creatures and require help to decrease entropy.

The key to life is remembering that it’s not supposed to be endured. You are supposed to go where you can be teased and it is still perceived as pleasing.

a waterfall from inside the cave behind it with a sunset in the distance